Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wanted a candy bar but instead I did the right thing and ate an apple, with some walnuts and caramel topping.

   Saw a woman pushing her dressed up cat in a stroller. When are we going to take mental health seriously in this country?

   A leaf blower is specifically designed to make your problem someone else’s.

   someone stole my mood ring....and I'm just not sure how I feel about that

   Before you get serious with a girl, spend some time around her and her mom. You need to observe the future crazy before moving too fast.

   People who say "only God can judge me" don't know how Twitter trolls work.

   "Are you excited about Halloween? People go out pretending to be something they're not, looking for handouts. It's like running for president."

   I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.

   Facebook requires 8 character complex password for what? The bank only wants a 4-digit number to remove all my cash.

   How's everyone holding up? It was crazy last night. I must have killed like fifteen zombies. But I still don't understand why they were all carrying bags of candy.

   French onion soup is just regular onion soup that doesn’t shave its armpits

   Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.

   Dear kids snorting rubbers don't worry,, Your parents didn't know how to use them properly either...

   I'm already sick of writing this book I'm thinking of writing.

   I wish my neighbor's dog would take the hint that my leg just wants to be friends.

   Never trust an Avon lady who doesn't wear any makeup. The whole thing is probably a front for her organ-harvesting business.

   When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls.

   Trying to understand quantum physics. Cause trying to understand women is just too damn hard.

   for all those who answer "how's it goin?" with .."can't complain"...please review your FB status's

   My greatest contribution to most situations is just not making it worse.