Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I found something to eat in the refrigerator, I feel like I found a treasure.

   Someone needs to tell Dominique Strauss-Kahn that in this country bankers are only allowed to screw their customers.

   It's great having a JOB that leaves me Just Over Broke.

   Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

   ending the night with green beer in a sippy cup!

   A sunset is just a beautiful way of reminding you of all the stuff you didn't get done today.

   Once they stop talking to you, they start talking about you.

   We are the WTF generation : Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.

   Bill Gates is telling everyone what to do about the virus but he can't even stop windows from getting a virus...

   If Trump wins I'm leaving the country. If Hillary wins I'm leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.

   RIP Mainstream Media.

   If you have trouble remembering every mistake you've ever made, just pour your wife 3 glasses of wine.

   Named my daughter after my mother in law. In fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow

   Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.

   DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets

   DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.

   If you ever feel alone, just remember you can talk to the CIA using your phone or smart TV... #Vault7

   Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..

   Why are snooze alarm minutes so short and microwave oven minutes so long?

   Amazon is buying Whole Foods for $13 billion. Ironically I think I spend $13 billion at Whole Foods also.