Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

   Judging by all of the rotten-tooth smiles I see in this town, they should put the Fluoride in the meth instead of the water.

   Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I'm 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.

   My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practicing my reaction.

   In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I've decided to keep the dust bunnies as decorations.

   Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

   Mariah Carey didn't give the performance that 2016 wanted, but she gave the performance 2016 deserved.

   What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

   I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

   I think it's a miracle Jesus was able to turn water into wine but I thank God each morning for giving me the ability to turn water into coffee.

   I finally found my girlfriends G spot.. Turns out her sister had it .

   How can Canadians be so nice and their geese be such a-holes??

   Not sure I'm going to heaven. At this point in my life, the best I can hope for is the low humidity section of hell.

   I wanted the Cubs to win, only because they are from Chicago and its amazing they made it that far in the season without a single player getting shot.

   I guess the dead didn't get out to vote.....

   I like this mannequin challenge. It gets idiots to shut the hell up for a minute.

   Turns out Santa is the ultimate Millennial Hipster ..... He works one day a year .... and spends the rest of the year judging you.

   I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

   To find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card & combine it with the expiration date and security code. What's yours?

   Why is it called "Planned Parenthood"? Since they provide birth control and abortions it should be called "Prevent Parenthood".