Fazzy Funny Status Messages

   I'm a magician. An overweight magician. My most famous trick is putting on a Speedo and having it disappear instantly.

   Daylight Saving Time arrives tomorrow. Gimme a break. Know what? I give it 8 months.

   I got an air fryer because it's healthier. Of course along with my air fried pork chops I had 5 lbs of mashed potatoes with a stick of butter and a Key Lime Pie for dessert.

   I know some surfer chicks who started a prostitution ring. They call themselves the Wavy Lays.

   As Facebook's rebranded itself as 'META', other entities will be following suit: Airlines: JETA Greece: FETA Prostitution: GETA Gambling: BETA Urologists: WETA Fisheries: NETA Animal Clinics: VETA Boob Jobs: TETA

   Columbus Day is one thing, but I'm still upset about my personal holiday. No, not my Birthday. I'm talking about Fat Tuesday. 😛

   I'm giving up organized religion for Lent.

   One of the most cherished memories of Christmastime at my house when I was a kid was my mom putting out even more towels that I wasn't allowed to use.

   You had me at hello. You lost me at your wearing a mask in your car pulling into my driveway.

   I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties. I now sneak out of parties to go to my house.

   Guilt is simply God's way of letting us know that we're having a real good time.

   Last night I made the last of the dishes on the Huffington Post list of "25 Foods You Have To Eat Before You Die." So I guess this is goodbye.

   As we grow older, gravity becomes more and more evident. Things begin sagging, drooping and bouncing. It's still better than the alternative. No, I don't mean death. I mean f@t going up.

   "Nothing like a game of Twister, that's our motto." - Makers of IcyHot

   My dog ate an entire bottle of Tums. I freaked out, so I called the veterinarian and asked him what I should do. He goes, "Take him out for Mexican?"

   It's not that I can't stand people who attend the University of Florida, it's that I can't stand the red-necks who love the Gators.

   Monday is Memorial Day. I plan on showing my grandsons how to eat corn on the cob typewriter style. The hard part is going to be explaining a typewriter. 🌽

   I went to confession. Things in my life have gotten way out of hand and I mean WAY out. For penance, the priest gave me 10 Hail Marys, 10 Act of Contritions, 10 Our Fathers and a Do It Yourself Crucifixion kit from IKEA.

   This coming Wednesday, the groundhog's 6 week weather forecast will once again claim 100% accuracy while your local TV meteorologist's 5 day forecast will hover at its usual 1%.

   Hey! Who remembers seeing men on tv ripping phone books in half? Hey! Who remembers phone books? Hey! Who remembers men?