Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you gets a link called 'free porn' don't open it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelchek and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it. Lil

   So Walmart securty didn’t see this Mofo coming in from the parking lot with a Ak-47 ? But they wanna see a receipt for some water!

   This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you're wondering how I do with first impressions.

   Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

   With the way 2020 has been going I couldn't decide last night if I wanted to sit outside to watch the meteorite shower or take cover.

   How many instruments must you be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

   Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

   Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV

   My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

   Its still winter because Mother Nature saw all our summer bodies and decided we weren't ready yet.

   Dear Amazon, I bought a vacuum filter from you because that model is hard to find. It was necessary, not because I am fond of them. I am not a vacuum filter collector. No matter how many ads you display, or emails you send me, I am not desperate for more.

   It looks like T-Mobile and Sprint are getting married. And to prove that things won't change, there will be no reception.

   Ironic that my kids can't remember to say the "please" word but boy do they remember the word I used that one time in heavy traffic last year.

   Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

   Einstein was a genius. It was his brother Frank that created a monster.

   WebMD is updating their servers because of a virus. Well, they think it's a virus, but it could be kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.

   "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great advertising slogan for a condom company.

   Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

   I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington's decision when he reached the Delaware.

   My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"