Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It is the year 2048. Colleges are offering courses in selfie angles.

   Sleep more securely with a knife under your pillow in case someone breaks in the house with cake

   I am planning to enjoy my evening with the in-laws tonight by filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls

   Give a man a beer and he will entertain you. Hold a man's beer and it will show up on YouTube.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don't run into anyone you know.

   My cat has a fun new game called Catch & Release.. It catches the mice outside and brings them into the house and releases them.

   Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

   Time to hit the sack. After that, I’ll probably just go to bed.

   My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

   Kim jong nu looks like a korean garden gnome

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   Movie Theater Tip: When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

   When you work hard, save your money, go out and buy that expensive thing you've always wanted, then your lazy friend says "Must be nice."

   Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults

   A new commandment. Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.

   Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.

   When I text I use the word duck a lot. Mainly because auto-correct is a ditch.

   Now would be a good time to pave the roads

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?