Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Acknowledge many, trust few, but always paddle your own Canoe

   The Lysol commercial said I should disinfect what I touch the most but I have a feeling that's gonna burn.

   More bad news for Millennials. Hangovers hurt worse the older you get...

   Whenever someone tells me "things could always be worse", I try to be optimistic and reply "things could always be better." That's the power of positive thinking, right?

   I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file. Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

   Why does this dental floss refuse to let me toss it into the bathroom trash can?

   Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.

   My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. He said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.

   Evidently, Miracle Whip is not an intuitive substitution for Cool Whip. I know this now.

   The world would be much more fun if every restaurant was an all you could eat buffet.

   If you date both men & women and still can't get into a relationship are you technically bi-yourself?

   Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas

   Thanksgiving is a good time to give people the bird and tell them to stuff it. Happy Thanksgiving. :-)

   I need something like an Epi-Pen, but with caffeine.

   If you watch Godzilla vs King Kong backwards it's about two monsters who forget their differences and build a city.

   It only took three years but I finally finished eating that box of taquitos from Costco.

   Nothing makes me feel like a founding father like still remembering how to write in cursive.

   Thanksgiving tip #23: Call your dad now and ask him what the WiFi password is so he has time to find the little piece of paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

   Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

   My phone: 58%. My husband’s phone: 7%. Me: Honey, I need your charger.