Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Banks need to do a better job filling their ATM's. 3rd one in a row that's saying "Insufficient Funds"

   Fear is contagious...so is Hope.

   Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

   Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says "another day in paradise".

   it too much to hope that my good cholesterol will be a positive influence on my bad cholesterol.

   The only difference between brown nosing and butt kissing is depth perception.

   Using my feet to lift toilet seats or push the flush handle at public restrooms has helped hone my ninja like skills.

   Everyone knows that one "special" person who's so well rounded they're pointless"

   If I voted and didn’t take a picture, did I really vote?

   What does "colder than hell" mean? Isn't everyplace colder than hell?

   It's pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it's not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes

   If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you're walking

   Next time a telemarketer calls, hit 'em with an "I love you" right off the bat. Just keep saying it, no matter what they say..

   I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

   Happy birthday to Alexander Graham Bell. In his honor, I’ll be calling in sick.

   New Commandment: 11. Thou shalt not COVID thy neighbor.

   Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

   A guy at Kroger asked me if I know where Engagement, Ohio is. I said it's between Dayton and Marion.

   Pro Tip: If you wear a face mask your coworkers can't smell the alcohol on your breath.

   Obviously stupidity is much more contagious than Covid19