Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not sure how people will react when they find out I'm actually a robot.

   Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

   You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking

   Just had ice cream without sprinkles on top. Diets are so hard.

   If you call me from a private number I'll respect your privacy and not answer

   When a cashier asks if you found everything you were looking for, take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, "I have now."

   I miss that feeling you'd get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.

   When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her and yell "DON'T DIE ON ME!" and then people always clap when she wakes up.

   Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?

   If a Fire-Fighter's career can go up in smoke, and a plumber's career can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?

   Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.

   Distancing from people & not going out. Drinking too much coffee in the morning. Eating and smoking too much all day. Watching too much tv. Drinking too much at night. Then the pandemic struck.

   This is the first good sized snow fall of the season and honestly the weather on TV is acting like the terrorism threat levels just moved up a two.

   I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

   This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

   Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

   Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs? Nobody works at Walmart?

   to the people who put antlers and a red rudolph nose on your car for christmas, you can’t fool me I know that’s a car

   The night before a day off is more satisfying than the actual day off

   I prefer my kale with a silent "K"