Funny Status Messages
Search Messages:
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants 
just unfollowed Taylor Swift on Twitter. Expecting a song within the hour
"Find the Juan for you!" - Mexican dating site
I love when people say to me… Omg! Your so funny on FB. If they only knew about my awesome copy & paste ability..They could be just as funny!
I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since the world ended in 2012.
I hate it when strangers say silly things like, "I don't bite" Yeah, because the first thing I think when I meet someone is "OMG! This b!tch is gonna bite me!"
If I ever get Amnesia, don't waste Thousands of Dollars taking me to a Psychologist. Just show me my Facebook account.
The best part of the Grammys was Justin Bieber not performing
A candlelight dinner with long stemmed roses sounds like a deadly combination for my inflatable valentine.
you know....I'm still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters....
My doctor told me to stop drinking today...then he told me to stop laughing.
Sometimes stapling water to a tree is much easier than convincing an idiot.
No working during drinking hours!!
The first word I want to teach my kid is "brains." Until he/she learns another word, I'll have the cutest little zombie ever!
I was the kid that would restart the video game whenever I knew I was going to lose.
My dr put me on antidepressants with some side effects. Ive never been happier to have diarrhea, nausea, and night sweats!
You don't have a drinking problem; people without arms have a drinking problem.
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone's lawns so freshly mowed.
Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!
I broke up with my Gym, we were not working out 