Funny Status Messages
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Ladies, clear plastic bra straps make some of you look like you're stuffed in a 6-pack ring. 
christmas shopping online is confusing the kids..they see their toys being delivered one at a time. If the UPS guy would dress like Santa..problem solved.
No, I haven't been sick. I haven't been busy. I haven't been away on vacation. The reason I haven't returned your calls is because I can't stand you.
I love myself, I'm just not "post pictures of myself everyday on Facebook" love myself.
Conversations that start with "Don't get mad" seldom end that way.
You know you're lazy when you have a one bedroom apartment and still want to hire a cleaning lady.
We should cease calling them ski masks, because really only robbers wear them.
What the hell is a 'stable relationship' and is it as horrible as it sounds?
Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called “I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to make it happen”
No, you can't sit there - I'm saving that seat in case someone hotter than you comes along.
A true friend thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.
I hope I never die in a bar cause if someone calls a priest, a rabbi or a minister my life is gonna end up as one big joke.
Holding a baby is a great excuse to just openly pass gas without anyone knowing.
Why is the literature with my ADD meds so long?? Don't they know I have ADD??
Walmart employees suck at pairing wine coolers and cheese...
Show me a man who calls himself a vegan and I'll show you a man who's trying to sleep with a vegan!
Coffee spelled backwards is "eeffoc". Just know that I don't give eeffoc until I've had my morning coffee.
I've been wracking my brain trying to remember that movie where Joe Pesci plays a hot-tempered little tough guy.
Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight: 1) Wearing leggings 2) Having an United Airlines ticket
Sit back, relax and enjoy the fight... -United pilot welcoming passenger 