Funny Status Messages

   I always thought about joining the debate team but I already know I would get kicked out for saying "Yeah well F**k you" when the other team makes a good point

   ■Cigarettes are like hamsters… perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.

   has a new slogan for TSA: Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants!!!

   The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn't work. I'm going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.

   I remember the good old days before reality tv when you actually needed talent to be a celiberty. Hey Spencer and Heidi, I'm looking in your direction! And lets not forget you Mss Tequila!

   has heard that Toyota's new 2011 Camry will be so advanced it recalls itself.

   Happy Father's Day to all of the guys who have a kid and don't know about it.

   has a 'get-rich-slow' scheme... and it's working perfectly!

   You are A-Attractive, B-Beautiful, C-Charming, D-Dear to me, E-Exciting, F-Funny, G-Godsent...H-Hehehe, I-Im, J-Just, K-Kidding...

   Washing my face, eyes are closed and the cat rubs against my legs. First thought: "SHARK!!!" Second thought: "No more Discovery Channel before bed!"

   dear local weatherman if its 92° and feels like 102° then guess what dumbass? its 102°

   If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.

   : “The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.”

   When your children come up to you after a minor incident and say," This is the worst day of my life!!!" Just look at them.....smile......and say, "You haven't seen anything yet".

   Dear Santa: This year instead of a gift wish list, I'm sending a list of people I would like to see disappear. Thank you.

   thinks living well may be the best revenge... but rubbing your ass all over someone's cell phone is pretty good too.

   I've been watching movies all wrong. Apparently, you're supposed to guess out loud what's going to happen next.

   I have hit the level of FB addiction that, when determining the successfulness of my day, I factor in how many 'likes' I got on my posts. Yesterday was 93. That's one I'll tell the grandchildren about some day. :-)

   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

   If you believe the competitive spirit in America is dead, you haven't been in the supermarket when the cashier opens another checkout line.