Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The people at MapQuest must think everyone is an idiot. Is it really necessary to start the directions with how to get out of your own driveway?

   I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes - "open bar"

   Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution, b*tches be trippin

   If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

   Wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?

   Dear Boys wearing skinny Jeans I can't breathe! Sincerely, Your Balls

   I want you to be you, but when you being you affects me being me, that's when I have a problem with us being us.

   If Obama really wanted to impress me, he'd somehow combine Missouri & Oregon to make a "Show me your beaver" state.

   I write like this not..."LyK Dis"....because I am an adult and I am not retarded.

   Watching movies alone sucks. There's no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"

   I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.

   I HaTe PeOpLe WhO WrItE tHiS wAy

   I hate when women fish for compliments by mentioning that they've gained a few pounds. I don't bite. Instead I offer, "yeah, maybe you're pregnant."

   Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places

   Oops. My "check liver" light just came on.

   I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep

   I hate when cashiers ask you if that's everything. Oh no, I'd also like all this invisible sh!t.

   Wanna make money through Facebook? Login to FB, Goto Accounts, Account Settings, Deactivate your account and Start Working!!

   My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don't know if I'm kidding or not.

   You know the saying "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" ..... well for girls its " Why buy the whole pig, when all ur gonna get is a lil sausage...