Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my emotional support animal is a chicken. Four piece with a biscuit.

   You could have been an extra in Chernobyl.

   And to whoever wrote that nice post, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

   I know the feeling. The lady in the vegetable sections at Publix Supermarket was getting frustrated with trying to open one of those plastic bags. She recently had plastic surgery but you should have seen the face she wanted to make.

   Basketball is like the weather. With either, things can change within a few minutes.

   All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, fattening or too expensive.

   Welp, I'm at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn't have to get up to pee.

   Oh look at this! You're so slow it takes you almost 12 hours to come up with a comeback. Unbelievable!

   The closest this guy will come to a brainstorm is a light drizzle.

   Zero by dividing.

   And it's "hear", not "here". You maggot idiot. F*ck you people are so stupid

   Hey moron! If you're going to insult me, next time say it to my face. And do it in person?

   Nah I'm going to let you guys figure that out for yourselves since you all seem like smart people. I'll be waiting so come and get me pussies!

   Coors Light is like making love in a canoe. It's f--k-ng close to water.

   Fuel prices are so high that I went to the car dealership and test drove 3 cars to run my errands. Follow me for more money saving tips. 😎

   Good night haters!!!!!

   Your home address. Not the address where you give out government assisted blow jobs. Poosy.

   Members of Generation X have no definable traits other than being responsible for breeding the misguided Generation Z whackoffs.

   Look in the mirror. Urghhhh!!!

   You give up or are you thirsty for more?