Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

   My brain is a bad influence on me

   “you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

   What if I told you everything you see on Facebook is me.

   You millenials have it so good --- we could only like 6 songs max and had to carve their names in a rock

   Deja boo - the feeling that you've been afraid of this before.

   Chameleon cashiers give the best change

   I'm already a mess. I just need to add some hot to it.

   Drinking with your significant other is always a fun time so please respect our privacy at this crucial time.

   The only thing shocking about people on the red carpet now is when they touch something metal

   I've got an idea for a house flipping show but it's just me watching my kids demolish every room

   Every fad becomes a punchline. We build things up jus to knock them down.

   My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?

   I can't believe I'm still having nightmares about Sharknado.

   My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!” This day is looking better already!

   Going viral? That's a GOOD thing now? Where was this internet thing when I was going viral in 80s

   Grading system for students in India: A - Average B - Below average C - Can't have dinner D - Don't come home F - Find a new family

   Have I ever been in a stable relationship? I’m not into livestock, you sick twist. What’s wrong with you? Why did your mind even go there?

   I should have been more careful then making my New Year's resolution to hang out with more than two of my Facebook friends in 2020

   My favorite part about switching back to standard time is getting to relive the last hour of my life. A real live 'do-over'