Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Airport

   All men eat ass, they just wating to see if they can do it without you telling anyone... Be patient and keep that crack clean!

   Where can I go now to get a good vodka, steak and mortgage?

   I started out this year with a goal of losing 30 pounds and I only missed it by 35 pounds

   I've only been on Facebook new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace

   The neighbors are already putting up their Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving who have obviously been shopping in Walmart.

   I'm tired of girlfriends treating me like a god, as in only call on me when they need something and ignore me the rest of the time.

   Sometimes I'm happy, then mad, then hungry and then chatty. So yes, I get it women. Great, now I'm crying.

   Tweets are expanding to 280 characters and now I am looking for someone to write a forward for my soon-to-be-published tweet.

   I liked Avicii's songs especially the ones where he features the guys who sing the entire song

   We are all free to walk our own path. My path is full of my husband’s socks and shoes

   As a New Yorker " aight bet " could mean " I totally agree with you" or possibly your life is in danger

   I'm back when penny candy was a penny years old.

   With all the technology today, how is it possible that the "mullets make you look like a total tool" message has not made it to all people?

   me: my cup runneth over... sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

   son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip me: I can do it son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

   Boss: I've received complaints about your AA meetings Me: too boring, right? Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

   me: i’m sad about this thing therapist: but it’s not about that thing me: ok thx here’s $175

   What the person on the street corner approaching me w a pamphlet doesn't understand is I want the world to end

   The cat puked under my bed. Cleanup efforts only made it worse. It's time to renew our commitment to developing alternative sources of cute.