Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear FB Model wannabe. You are hotter than the sun, but let's face it... you're nowhere nearly as bright.

   Today isn't just for the kids..... it's also an egg hunt for the adults that are procrastinators

   Cars

   I always thought it was "Blew by you"

   Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I’m a valued customer at several grocery stores.

   Boogie Boarding: An alternate means of surfing for those unable to hop up on an actual surfboard.

   Marriage tip: If you're getting ready to go out in public with your wife, ask her, "Would you please put on some makeup?" This will help her understand that you are concerned with her appearance, and she will love you more for it.

   Hippity hoppity your kneecaps are now my property 😃

   I had a call from a telemarketer and he said he couldn't understand me. I told him to press 1 for English.

   We need gun control we almost lost Trump

   Chip clips are for quitters!

   I have 2 dozen Large eggs , will trade for a New Snowmobile or Small truck

   Today I took a long honest look in the mirror and I did not like what I saw. (No I'm not feeling guilty about anything, I just look like crap.)

   ME AT THE GYM : WHERE ARE THE STEPPING MACHINES ? GYM RAT : UPSTAIRS BRO ME: TAKES ELEVATOR

   Romans after the eclipse… Veni, vidi, nōn vidi!

   You put your face in it and no more zits.

   I rolled over too fast in bed and sprained my fat roll !

   I don't know what to make for my dinner. In the refrigerator I have two all-beef patties and some special sauce, but I can't think of any other ingredients that I could add to these.

   My friend is single and middle-aged. I think she might be Catholic. Sorry, I mean cat-holic.

   told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.