Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday. It's ridiculous because I didn't even know it was her birthday.

   This Christmas instead of gifts I'm giving everyone my opinion. Get excited!

   Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an Umbrella in a crowd should have to do a cour

   Before you mock children who still believe in Santa, remember there are still adults who believe everything they read on Facebook.

   Still scratching my head over the L-E-F-T taking the logical concept that is "meritocracy" and making it about R-A-C-E.

   I have no idea what a HD is but the doctor just told me I have 80 of them Fuckers.

   Reviving In Progress

   Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Don't forget to set your scales back 10 pounds.

   The 👎 blowboy needs a life.

   I upset my wife the other day. I accidentally passed her a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

   'Sleepy Joe' oversaw the biggest stock and job gains in US history while 'the business genius' crashed it all in 45 days.

   Just here for the lefticle meltdowns... and it is glorious!

   When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting "Eye of the Tiger" for motivation.

   Give this a th*mbs down if you're in the m*g* cult and realize you've made a huge mistake and want out but now its too late lol

   Psssssst Сейчас мы потратим несколько минут, чтобы узнать, кто вы и где вы живете, и поиграем с вами.

   If your girl says 'keycat' instead of 'cat' you're probably going to jail...

   Just heard that Lady Gaga will be performing a concert in outer space this summer. I think it's really sweet of her to do a concert right in her own hometown.

   Halloween

   Cafe word

   Thanksgiving: Being thankful for what you have and those you love. Black Friday: Trampling those you love to save 15% on something you don't have. Cyber Monday: "Hey, babe. Sorry I killed your dad Friday. Here's an iTunes gift card to ease the pain