Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What doesn’t kill you disappoints the rest of us.

   What is the noise you hear when it’s really quiet?

   I can never find my college Alma Mater's football games on TV. I attended FU. It's the only school that'd accept me. I graduated Smegma Cum Lordy.

   There'd be no reason to see a doctor if WebMD gave out prescriptions.

   Time travel is real, but you just don't know it,......yet

   I always go the extra mile but sometimes it's because I missed the exit.

   If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

   GaryKoenig sits in his dead mother's attic rubbing one out to her daily.

   BREAKING NEWS RFK admits to being on Jeffrey Epstein's jet at least twice.

   Kendrick Lamar best new country artist

   I'm funny! And you better agree with it or I'll hold my breath for a long time!

   We went and saw "Oppenheimer" Saturday night and when we left we heard a teenager say,"I liked Batman better!"? WTF did he expect?

   Can Chloroform really knock someone out instantly like in the movies? Asking for a friend.

   45 year-old M*G* man looking for 13-year-old M*G* boy for fun and discreet visits behind the local waterpark this summer.

   I eat bananas for the shape, not the taste.

   Can't wait to be schooled today by our indoctrinated, 3rd world, Cro-Magnon expert.

   The result of having 2 mommies is evident here. Canuck boy proves it.

   If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.

   This week we learned that you can put your troops' lives in danger, compromise your national security, and violate the Espionage Act. And the government will do nothing. But write an editorial for your school newspaper he doesn't like - you disappear.

   If they thought climate change was real, they wouldn't be vandalizing Teslas.