Funny Status Messages

   Nothing says "this wont last"...quite like an engagement ring from Wal-Mart !

   You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish

   Dear people who are praying for the California wildfires... it's not working.

   If you ever drove a car without any power steering, you can literally fight anybody and win.

   His billionaire circle-jerk buddy comes from South Africa. His hats come from China. His orders come from Moscow.

   The convicted R*pist won 🏆

   Most m*g* men are attracted to children.

   After my funeral, I want one of my friends to take my phone and send a message to everyone: "Thank you for coming".

   I lost my best friend today , I'll never get to see him or hang around or talk to him on the phone again. He got his hand caught in a wedding ring .

   My birthday is coming up in less than a year. Just sayin'

   Don't forget to tip your food delivery drivers this Christmas as Santa is watching, who's also a delivery guy.

   Found out today that my ex needs a liver transplant,I'm not worried though ,she hasn't rejected an organ in 40 years

   The "impending snowstorm" is just a conspiracy by Big Weather to get you to buy more milk, bread, and toilet paper.

   Itss so cold outside my finngers are so numb rightt now I could barely tftppye

   There's no reason to tailgate me when I'm already doing 70 in a 35 zone. And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous.

   Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

   Just booked a flight & under Special Requests I put “Please land the plane right side up.”

   Tens of thousands of Veterans and Government workers who are out of a well earned pension as they find themselves forced out of a job. But he's a hero because he's assisting in a quick rocket trip to the space station? Keep sucking Elons c*** and balls.

   Tesla lost about $38.2 BILLION in market capitalization today. Happy Tuesday, y'all!

   People who stroke themselves to Donald Trump every day and brag because he won, don't realize that they have lost so much. They're going to realize it soon enough. I laugh at them, and spit on their flag lolz