Funny Status Messages

   Okay, so is Simone Biles done showing us her snatch? Can we please get to the Track & Field competitions now?

   The 13% crowd has traded George Floyd for Kendrick Lamar as their new hero.

   I think I figured it out. F*GA just love getting f*cked up the ass. They love it. Just bent over those barrels screaming "give it to me harder daddy".

   Dear Facebook, stop asking me what's on my mind. We both know it's against community standards.

   I wish they made a KFC scented air freshener so my car wouldn’t smell like Taco Bell all the time.

   Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The GPS blurted out, "You have reached your final destination".

   I just read a list called "100 Things to do Before You Die". I was really surprised that "Yell for Help" wasn't one of them.

   OK, but in my defense, when my wife told me to "drop a load in the washing machine" her wording was a little ambiguous.

   Marriage tip: When you're in an argument with your wife, just use the phrase "I would agree with you but then we would both be wrong." This will help her realize that you are always correct.

   I'm not homophobic. I'm pro-vagina.

   I spent 15 minutes changing my oil and then 20 minutes strutting around my garage thinking, "Sheeeeyah. I know what I'm doing."

   Spring is here so that means I'm over my seasonal depression and can go back to my regular depression.

   True or False: The people who are the most delusional about how great they think their state is are from New Jersey.

   Any stairway can be a stairway to heaven. . . If you're clumsy enough.

   Marriage tip: If your wife asks you if the outfit she's wearing makes her look fat, just tell her that if she ran at the gym like she ran her mouth at home, she wouldn't have to ask that question.

   Everyone needs a sarcastic, smart mouth friend. I am so happy to be of service to you all!

   I want to steal a donut truck and go on a high speed chase, because it would be funny watching cops chase a donut truck on the news.

   My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 70 degrees this winter.

   n't it funny how red, white, and blue represent freedom until they're flashing behind you.

   When your phone dies and you realize you're jealous