Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Inuendo - what else, but an Italian name for Preparation H.

   Jaws 3-D (1983): shark with no connection or knowledge of either of the first 2 sharks avenges their deaths, wearing 3-D glasses.

   Just because your p*ssy's wet doesn't t mean it's good. Trash bags leak too.

   If you're not M^G^, you're F^G^.

   Pro Tip: Never make snow angels in a Dog Park.

   Winter's coming. Bright side...Taylor Swift albums make excellent kindly.

   Thanksgiving: Being thankful for what you have and those you love. Black Friday: Trampling those you love to save 15% on something you don't have. Cyber Monday: "Hey, babe. Sorry I killed your dad Friday. Here's an iTunes gift card to ease the pain

   To be a parent you have to be very patient who here considers themselves to be very impatient. Me too

   Today's advice: sing Christmas songs at work until they send you home.

   If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”

   Would you rather be Whoopi Goldberg’s gynecologist or a Chiefs fan?

   My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don't even know if I'm kidding or not.

   If you see me in the next few days, just assume I’m either shopping, wrapping, baking, or pretending I’m not panicking.

   I'm mad about how fast my life went from MySpace to MyChart.

   Don't expect any New Years resolution from me. I intend on staying the same awkward, outspoken delight you have all come to know and love.

   Will tell you exactly what Dems love the most.... The entire world, dozens and dozens of countries, turning on yours lol

   Black Olives Matter... Just love them right out of the can and on salads.

   Are we going to address how awful Ja Morant's rap game is?

   Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something Fishy going on

   I'm combining Easter and April Fools Day together this year. I'm sending kids out to search for eggs I haven't hidden.