Funny Status Messages

   You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she's probably slightly upset.

   I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face but with words.

   Merry Christmas you filthy animals!

   I run every day for 20 minutes. If I miss a day I add 20 minutes to the next day. This has really been a game changer. Tomorrow I'm supposed to run for 4 months.

   So you unfollowed me on Facebook. You sure showed me.

   Have you ever had a crowd cheer after you've been kicked out of a store?

   How come no one posts pictures of their kids on the first day of summer school?

   Just saw a 400 pound man holding a sign, "Will work for Food" I wanted to scream out "You need to take a vacation!"

   Joy Reid seemed to be much nicer when she climbed the Empire State Building and those airplanes were going after her.

   ...and the meltdown coninues!

   When I was 7 I found a gun underneath my mom's pillow and All I could think was Damn I can't wait to lose all my teeth !

   My wife wants the living room walls to be something neutral...I'm painting Switzerland

   My wife is not talking to me today because she asked me what the female equivalent of the "mancave" is and I told her it's called the kitchen.

   The Left wants everything in the world to be electric or run on batteries? Start with the border wall!

   The older you get the happier you are for minor things. I just wanted to brag that I typed "license" on my first try and didn't get tagged by spell check.

   I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you". I couldn't believe it... You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

   The only thing worse than your girlfriend sending you a text to "break up" is her sending another text saying, "Sorry, that wasn't for you".

   I bought a little bag of air today. The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.

   I just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist. That's the last time my neighbor wakes me on a Saturday.

   Everyone is going on about the pink moon. Somehow, they must've found out that my girlfriend bleached her butthoIe.