Funny Status Messages

   Dear diary... Today my friends asked me to go on a 5 mile run. So I made a list of things I'll need. 1. New friends.

   I can relate to the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard defamation trial. Sort of. I dreamt an old girlfriend chased me around the bed with a machete after eating a box of Ex-Lax.

   If you ever need someone to look like a complete idiot in your photographs, I'm your guy.

   Pickleball is ghey

   If you answer the phone with "Hello, you're on the air!" most telemarketers will quickly hang up.

   My eight-year-old just asked me if Bingo was the name of the farmer or the dog. Now I am questioning everything I thought I knew about life.

   I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road

   Jellyfish have survived 650 million years, despite not having a brain. This gives so many people hope.

   Hello, short bus? I found your missing passenger. Thats right, yes... Gary Koenig.

   ast night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

   My mother-in-law asked me to get her something to drink with her name on it. So I got her a Monster. And that's how the fight started!

   If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks... Cost me an arm and a leg!

   If I ever get married, I'm thinking it will be closed casket

   I don't have a Twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times. So far I've got 3 followers - but I think 2 are cops...

   Not to brag, but I was alive when you could SLAM the phone down to hang up on someone. It was spectacular!

   The bad news is many earthquakes in California have caused severe property damage. The good news is on the days that they hit, bowling scores are at their highest ever!

   I love it when people get mad and speed past me, only to end up at the same red light.

   Not to brag, but I was born sychic. For example, right now you're thinking, "It's psychic you idiot".

   You know me. If I ever win the lottery, rest assured nobody around me will be poor and I mean that. I will move to a rich neighborhood.

   Walmart has their Gillette razors under more security than Pete Hegseth’s war plans.