Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's amazing what that one degree can do in your home temp wise, up or down.

   You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.

   Dang, I hope that wasn't something we needed... (me vacuuming the bedroom)

   An old man shuffled slowly into the ice cream parlor and pulled himself painfully up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress goes, "crushed nuts?" "No, no, no" he said. "Arthritis."

   Social media has taught me a few things. First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world. Second, they are greatly outnumbered.

   94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

   Woke means waking up from sleep. Stop trying to change meanings of words.

   Monica Lewinsky was asked last night if this was Bill Clinton's best speech ever . She said, "Close but no cigar".

   Why are you all still shooting off fireworks? It's July 8th for crying out loud! One of them flew off course and almost hit my Christmas tree!

   No Epstein files will be released. Hunter Biden is not going to be President. AOC isn't either. Trump's not going to prison, neither is Obama. Cut the partisan nonsense already, you numbskulls.

   I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak. (another great post by Gary K.

   Social Media. The place where imbeciles say they're imbeciles without actually saying they're imbeciles.

   I can relate to the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard defamation trial. Sort of. I dreamt an old girlfriend chased me around the bed with a machete after eating a box of Ex-Lax.

   If you ever need someone to look like a complete idiot in your photographs, I'm your guy.

   Pickleball is ghey

   If you answer the phone with "Hello, you're on the air!" most telemarketers will quickly hang up.

   My eight-year-old just asked me if Bingo was the name of the farmer or the dog. Now I am questioning everything I thought I knew about life.

   I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road

   Jellyfish have survived 650 million years, despite not having a brain. This gives so many people hope.

   Hello, short bus? I found your missing passenger. Thats right, yes... Gary Koenig.