Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't care how good looking you are if you don't have any brains." -Zombies

   I'm basically Superman except he has super vision and I require it

   I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it.

   To devote yourself to one man, and worshiping him like a god seems pretty...well...you know.....gay.

   I got a job at Comcast and completed training so I could fix my own cable because it was faster than being on hold with customer service. ‬

   The closest thing to a 4.0 average I ever got in college was my Blood Alcohol Content.

   Life is like peeing up a drain pipe, it all comes back to you.

   My four moods: 1. I need coffee. 2. I need a nap. 3. I need a vacation. 4. I need duct tape, rope, and a shovel.

   Kentucky Fried Tornado

   If humans are involved, the propensity for disaster exists.

   Do you suppose Ghosts believe in People??

   Trying to intentionally lose a game of Rock Paper Scissors is just as difficult as trying to win.

   I saw this kid dressed as Batman. He was walking around with his alive parents. What a poser.

   At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

   I should know better never to drink coffee after midnight as it just turns me into a real night owl whoo can't sleep.

   I was listening to Sirius XM radio yesterday, and "Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is" by Chicago came on. I said, "It's 3:19." No response. No "thank you" or "I appreciate it." Nothing.

   Oh, Daylight Saving Time, why hast thou forsaken us?

   Jesus final words on Good Friday " Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday."

   Think about this: The most fun part of golf is when it's your turn to hit the ball. So why is it that the more turns you get the less fun you have?

   Happy Father's Day to all the wonderful dads out there who are killing it. This one's for you!!!