Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?... More like Rudolph the Brown-Nosing Reindeer.

   I'll give credit where credit is due but I ain't gonna applaud a fish for swimming.

   I will restart the entire song if you breathe too loud over my favorite part

   it possible to get herpes over the internet? Asking for a friend who's dead meat when my wife, I mean his wife finds out. Come on, she was hot!

   His numbers are plummeting. Fun to watch 🥳

   I give it a week until someone starts selling dire-doodle puppies.

   "Sometimes you just need to disconnect and enjoy your own company"

   I just hate it when I buy a bag of air and there's chips in it.

   Well behaved men rarely make history.

   Gary Koenig. King of stealing other's jokes.

   I have plenty of mini boxes of raisins for the Trick-Or-Treaters. (Yeah, I'm THAT guy...)

   When people got too hammered in the 70s: “He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

   The problem with daylight savings time is around midnight you start to feel like you're struggling to stay awake before you realize it's only 7:00 p.m.

   Legend says, when you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake in someone else's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me that'd be great.

   Did our government only admit to UFO's because we're going to start sending their planets money for aid?

   Inflation: Payback for all that free Trump money. Happy weekend!

   I wonder if the guy who coined the term "One Hit Wonder" ever came up with any other phrases.

   I made instant coffee in the microwave. I went back in time.

   US military enrolment has plummeted the last three months because no one wants to join while he is in office 🤣

   A New York plastic surgeon has announced that he is creating “vacation breasts,” which are implants that would last two to three weeks. That’s amazing, isn’t it? Who gets a three-week vacation?