Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rise and shine! What are we melting down about today, lefticles?

   My dong was in the Guinness Book of work Records. But then the librarian asked me to take it out.

   Female bodybuilders are tight, cut, buff, toned and defined. With the face of a man.

   While you're cheering for your favorite NFL team in a publicly funded stadium, how about publicly funding some disadvantaged child's school lunch?

   Disney World is a lot like Viagra. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

   Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw

   Whatever you got to do today, do it with the confidence of a 4yr old in a Batman cape.

   It's not the stab in the back that hurts you. It's when you turn turn around and see who's holding the knife.

   I carry moist towelettes in my wallet instead of condoms. I run into Buffalo wings way more than I get sex...

   I just heard a commercial on the radio that said your hair loss has to do with your jeans. I guess that's why I still have all my hair. Because I don't wear jeans.

   You know how old I am? When I was in high school if someone had their underwear sticking up out of their pants we would have given him a snuggie.

   he actually golfing with Sauudi royal family instead of attending the transfer of 4 US soldiers who died in Lithuania? As his BS tariffs are sending stocks PLUMMETING for the second day? He literally doesn't give a damn about us. We've been duped.

   Got pulled over by the cops last night & he asked me if I had a police record. I said, "Yes...'Every Breath You Take' & 'Don't Stand So Close to Me'

   The coffee shop had a sign that said: “No WiFi, pretend it’s 1973!” So, I paid 10 cents for my coffee and lit a cigarette.

   So, like... no one's talking about eggs anymore?

   Gas prices going down due to oil falling. lets here you whiners now.

   5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants. Now they're tenants.

   shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

   With high gas prices don't forget to tip your food delivery drivers paying for their own gas or go get it yourself.

   A Karen just yelled at me in a parking lot that dressing up as a hobo for Halloween is offensive to the homeless people. But I was just wearing my regular clothes.