Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At Dairy Queen: Me: Medium Oreo Blizzard please. DQ: You wanna spoon? Me: Sure, when do you get off?

   MARTHA ! You do have your medicare card. I don't blame you.

   Today's tip of the Day: If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.

   You women may be surprised to learn, that making us sleep on the couch isn't that bad. It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping... with a really angry bear nearby.

   Shiny, pointy nipples! Oh, sorry, Facebook wanted to know what was on my mind

   There are people who think the moon landings were staged, the holocaust never happened and the earth is flat. Yet they hang on every word on the message found inside a fortune cookie.

   I wonder how was God able to find some wise men when most of us men don't even know how to stop and ask for directions when we're lost?

   I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

   No matter how much they insist, never ever play Leapfrog with a Unicorn.

   Newsflash: the chat that was leaked contained nothing of importance. No classified info. Dems just stirring up nonsense as usual.

   Some people need to forget about the fountain of youth and start looking for the fountain of common sense!

   The best way to spread Christmas cheer is to wrap everything you own in tinsel and hope for the best.

   The vast, vast majority of people on the planet recognize what a piece of human garbage he is. When are you going to wake up?

   Where’s the child sniffer at these days? Oh yeah..he’s riddled with dementia so they have to hide him from the public.

   OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth.

   Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue? Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

   I think calling them maggots is insensitive... they should be referred to as larvasexuals.

   My wife is a s3x object. Every time I want to have s3x, she’ll object.

   Do you have at least 15 tattoos? – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2025

   The reason why the NFL doesn't have very many women referees is because they would be too busy bringing up penalties from 10 years ago.