Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I broke up with my girlfriend. She had leprosy. I got tired of picking up after her.

   Most people want a perfect relationship. I just want a hamburger that looks like the one on the menu.

   Nurse: There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him? Doctor: Tell him I can't see him today.

   Back in my day, we didn’t scroll—we farmed! I remember when this was all FarmVille.

   I'm really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. I'm really glad you can see 92 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

   So, the JFK assassination files have been released. They say nothing. What a shocker. 😂 So anti-climatic. Like having sex with the first lady.

   Hear me out: agenda reveal parties for people we don’t trust.

   Marriage tip: We live in a day of women's equality! So because of this, never ever get your wife's door in the car for her, or open a door for her. Let her do it herself, because hey, equal rights, right?

   I like my coffee so strong it shows up on a drug test.

   Waking up is never easy but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I get out of bed.

   Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

   Watching Biden wander around the white house (his house), completely confused, while no one wants to talk to him. Funny... but sad... but still funny.

   When I was a kid, bedtime was 9:00. I couldn't wait to grow up so I could go to bed any time I wanted. That turned out to be about 9:00.

   I saw a mosquito stand on my arm and let it bite me while I just stared and said "is it in yet?" to make it feel insecure about itself.

   Money can't buy you happiness. But somehow it's much more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

   Taco Bell does a better job of making Mexican food that Beyoncé does making country music.

   Went for a check-up this morning, everything was normal, except the doctor began to put his glove on and add lube....... I need to get a new dentist.

   I'm already losing an hour on Sunday for daylight savings time. No way in hell am I losing more by watching the Oscars!

   I Have A Cat Name Milk And He Eats Milk

   When you push a pull door and someone says, "You have to pull". Like yeah, my next plan was to start lifting it from the bottom.