Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you really can't stand someone, lend them $100 dollars. Chances are, you'll never see them again.

   My boss asked me to start off the meeting with a joke. So I passed around my pay stub.

   So, is Donald Trump going to slap a tariff on Mail-Order Brides from China? Asking for a friend.

   I'm not in favor of anyone destroying other people's property. But I have to say I love seeing a lot less Tesla Cybertrucks on the road.

   Every news agency reported that the capsule landed in the Gulf of Mexico and I’m sure the most petty man in the universe was fuming.

   Instagram: Hispanic women with big rear-ends whose entire bodies will resemble pumpkins with legs when they turn 50.

   Tom Cruise got his line all tangled on his rod & reel. It made Fishin' Impossible

   NOT 1 MAN ANYWHERE IN HISTORY HAS EVER LOOKED AT A WOMAN AND SAID , YEA SHE'S PRETTY BUT IF ONLY SHE DREW HER EYEBROWS ON SHE'D BE SMOKIN HOT .

   I have a love/hate relationship with Daylight Saving Time. I love it in the evening, but I hate it in the morning.

   Guys lose their minds over a smelly, hairy hole that emits urine, blood and babies. Trust me, I'm one of those guys.

   Holiday tip: If any of you receive a call from a telemarketer and there's a kid under 5 years old nearby, hand the kid the phone and tell them its Santa.

   When you're at Lowes and hear "Special assistance needed in the blind cutting area" I would hope so... That sounds dangerous...

   Why does the Old Testament prohibit people from eating pork? Pigs are such friendly looking animals. It's goats that look like the spawn of Satan.

   Dancing: The musical activity for people who can't play an instrument.

   If you ever think money isn't everything....try living without it..

   What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the stinking sewer

   I read that low crab meals might help with my dyslexia.

   I forget real people’s names immediately after being introduced but I remember the Scooby-Doo gang’s names are Fred Jones, Shaggy Rogers, Daphne Blake, and Velma Dinkley.

   No one takes swearing under oath seriously these days. What a slap in the face to God.

   Settle an argument.. If a man is doing laundry and sneezes is it ok to blow his nose in a pillowcase?