Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember: You can't have a mid-life crisis if your entire life is a crisis.

   In my house I'm the main boss. My wife is just the decision maker.

   An optimistic thinks that this is the best World to live in. A pessimistic knows that this is true. (29)

   With all the bioengineering going on, why don't they cross egg-laying chickens with dairy cows? It'd save a step when making French toast.

   I went to the grocery store today and the cashier said my total was $208.47. I wanted a second opinion so I went to self checkout and my new total was $43.20.

   Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times they chase me down the street after I give them a wedgie.

   IMAGINE CHEERING ON PEOPLE IN POWER WHO ARE ACTIVELY TARGETING AND HARMING THE HUNGRY, THE POOR, THE SICK, THE ELDERLY, THE VETERAN, THE DISABLED, THE DIFFERENT, AND THE STRANGER AND STILL SOMEHOW EXPECTING PEOPLE TO BELIEVE YOU FOLLOW JESUS. GMAFB

   I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up again and ruin Christmas again this year.

   Who knew Top Secret docs make excellent shop towels?

   The difference between humans and animals? Animals would never allow the dumbest ones to lead the pack.

   My mom has been attending her own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1984.

   My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

   Marriage tip: Let me teach you about dishes. When you come down to the kitchen and see a sink full of dishes, if you're the husband just ignore it! Just let them pile up higher and higher until your wife gets tired of seeing them and does them herself! ðŸ

   That moment when you realize that 1935 - 1980 is as far as 1980 -2025

   Our parents invented fondue parties, which was just inviting your friends over to eat cheese-and I can't express how disappointed I am in us that we let that tradition slip by.

   In 3,025 years, life will either be really good or really bad. It's 5050.

   After what they did on January 6? I hope every single Tesla dealership burns to the f'ing ground because I could give a damn.

   The dating pool nowadays could use a little chlorine.

   Don’t forget to pay your taxes by April 15 because 30+ million illegal aliens are depending on you

   I feel like someone should've warned Travis Kelce about the crazy...