Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone should make a electric car company called "Edison" to compete with Tesla

   Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

   I was playing Bonopoly today. It's kinda like Monopoly, but the streets have no name.

   I will not to be outdone by Elon Musk....I'm announcing my Acquisition of "My Space" for $24.99...

   My friend Ryan is getting his vasectomy reversed tomorrow...I'm planning to make a movie about it and call it Saving Ryan's Private

   Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

   Carmelo Anthony will be judged by a jury of his peers. By peers, they mean niqqers who who compromise 13% of the population yet commit 60% of all violent crimes.

   This may not be my Circus, and these may not be my monkeys . but I know all the clowns .

   I drove to town today to pick up my replacement glasses , you wouldn't Believe the people I ran into .....

   If I am ever at death's door I am leaving a flaming bag of poop on his front steps

   Jim Morrison was right. People are strange.

   Guys, when a woman is angry, just tell her she is overreacting. She'll realize you're right and then she'll calm right down.

   With the shortage that's going on ..Are any of the pregnant men donating their breast milk? Or are they keeping it all for themselves,

   I think I turned back my clock way too far, yesterday I saw a guy with a mullet at Kmart .

   Instagram: A display of women with zero self-respect and we men are ecstatic over it.

   April showers bring Mayflowers... and we all know what Mayflowers bring... PILGRIMS!

   Back in my day we had so much toilet paper and eggs that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.

   My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree from the University of Phoenix.

   Don't let your Facebook balls get your real life teeth knocked out.

   If you're arguing loudly on your phone in public, please put it on speaker. I need to hear both sides of the story.