Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ex-Trump fan here. He's been manipulating the stock market and its obvious this is insider trading. I wouldnt never vote it for her but if I've known this was going to happen the last three months I would have never voted for him. This is all making me si

   I bought a vintage Cadillac and developed a nasty cough. It was a Croup de Ville

   The sprite from McDonald’s could probably fry some chicken

   I like the Old Normal better than the New Normal.

   When you have absolutely nothing to smile about, do it anyway. It pisses people off!!

   I just had a cop knock on my door saying he was looking for a man with one eye. I told him to use both as he'd probably find him a lot quicker.

   Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls... I was in the women's bathroom.

   Boop Bop Beeda Beep Boop Lop Bee eezz ... YOU'VE GOT MAIL !! 📭😁

   California has the highest rate of both Depression and Adultery. It's a sad state of affairs.

   I Have A Friend Name Nelson And His Nails Are Nasty

   Bacon and eggs along with Toast all walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”

   I tried to walk like an Egyptian. Now I need to see a Cairo practor

   He makes a stupid decision. Something really bad happens. He reverses his stupid decision. He convinces his sheep that the problem is magically solved thanks to him. And like the morons they are, they all f*cking believe him 😂

   Our world would be a much better place if Jesus would hold a press conference.

   Hello, Delta? Yes I'd like to reserve seat 11A. That's correct, 11A. What? You already have 242 passengers booked in 11A?

   DONT TOUCH THIS” has got to be the scariest thing to read in braille

   Around this time in 2020 we couldn't find toilet paper. Now we can't afford it.

   Last night I demanded to speak to the chef because my salad was dry. It was a situation that needed addressing.

   If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

   HIS VALENTINES ... For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken