Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Santa put down the pen! I can explain everything!

   Each family member of a gunned down individual gets 24 hours with the culprit, they can't kill him, but they are allowed to water-board him, jam bamboo under his fingernails, you get the idea....Deterrent

   When people dressed like witches, strippers and hobos show up at my front door it must be Halloween because my family reunion was in July. 🤔

   One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

   To get rid of unwanted junk during the holidays, put it in an Amazon box and leave it on the porch.

   Just accidentally swiped right on my ex's profile while scrolling through Tinder. My thumb must have been possessed by the ghost of relationship past. Had to perform some emergency thumb CPR to swipe left!

   If you think a bunch of billionaires woke up one morning and decided to have your best interest at heart? You're a special ***ing kind stupid.

   I rescued a cow from a slaughterhouse today. I named it Jake from Steak Farm.

   If you're ever wondering who your real Facebook friends are. Delete your account and see who calls....

   When I Went To The Market I Saw A Lady Carrying A Baby Up Side Down

   A group of 25 people all huddled yelling You're a sheep as I walk into the store and put my mask on. And ask me for a beer as I walk out. Baaaah NOPE!

   Just when I think I'm not a very good Catholic, I remember that the previous Pope wasn't a very good Catholic either.

   BREAKING: The Edmonton Oilers just pulled an Ed the Zebra—broke loose, dodged the Florida Panthers, and soared into OT glory like they were being airlifted out of Florida.

   A fun Independence Day depends on your number of dependents.

   Relaxing, Got up at 6am. Did yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything...

   You know you are older when..you have to cross your legs to sneeze!

   How 'bout dem EGLSES!

   Don't regret past mistakes. Your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today. (Disregard this post if in prison)

   Dear Santa! I want a fat bank account and a sexy body with rock hard abs for Christmas. Let's not get those two mixed up like you did last year.

   Platypuses are the only animals that produce both eggs and milk, making them portable sources of omelets