Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If everything tastes like us, then why do we have to die? –Chickens

   I'll never own a German Shepherd dog. Have you ever noticed how many of their owners go blind?

   Hey bro, just because you have on a Tapout shirt doesn't mean you can't get your arse beat!

   Elon Musk has given a whole new meaning to the term Flipping the Bird.

   Dear Autocorrect: It's never "duck." It is NEVER "duck."

   No matter whether you liked the halftime performance or not, one thing is certain. That dressing room stunk afterwards.

   I'm excited to announce that I have completed the first item on my bucket list. I have the bucket.

   Life in Kentucky is weird, for example we can't make ice anymore because the old lady with the recipe died

   We got a new 12 pack of large eggs. Looking to trade for 2022 or newer Range Rover with low miles. DM for pics of the eggs.

   They say do something today that makes the world a better place….so I’m getting drunk.

   I just vacuumed up a nickel and it sounded like the crescendo from Ride of The Valkyries.

   Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.

   What's the difference between most hispanics at the border and stoners? Storners have papers.....

   I will never drive a Jeep because you have to wave at other Jeep owners and I don't need that kind of pressure in my life.

   Why does my wife always wait until I’m at the opposite end of the house before asking me to “Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!”?

   The world has officially gone full-on crazy. At this point, the best thing we can do is make some popcorn, sit back, and enjoy the show.

   The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

   Due to lack of punch buggies on the road nowadays, the new game is Tesla Sass Slap.

   Halloween Tip: Before you say, "Great zombie costume!" make sure the person isn't just incredibly ugly.

   A lady in the grocery store asked me why some eggs were white, and some were brown. I told her the brown ones were whole wheat. 🤣