Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can handle most things in life. But hearing someone chew their food is not one of them.

   Hi, I'm a bimbo. I never have anything substantive to say, but I post pics of my low-cut blouse exposing my knockers and get more attention than a car with a flat tire stopped along I-95.

   Fact: Those whining over the "first 100 days" haven't taken into account that their mothers took 280 days to make them, and look how they turned out.

   Tequila probably won’t fix your problems, but it’s worth a shot.

   As a kid, I used to watch the Wizard of Oz and wonder how the scarecrow could talk without a brain. Then I got Facebook.

   buy ur girl Coldplay tickets or else her boss will

   It turns out as you get older you don’t actually figure anything out, you just don’t have the energy to care anymore.

   Soon you’ll have to pay extra to have the plane land right side up

   ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

   I bought a new stick of deodorant last night. The instructions said to remove the cap and push up bottom. I may be walking funny now, but my farts make the room smell baby powder fresh.

   Dense fog advisory. Couldn't you just say its moisture content doesn't go all the way to the top stratosphere? Calling it dense seems pretty insensitive.

   Don't buy plastic skeletons for Halloween. It's terrible for the environment. Locally sourced all natural skeletons are more environmentally friendly.

   I don't stand for women's rights. I sit for them... and have them bring me a sandwich and a beer.

   Someone stole my identity... And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said, "So sorry man. Hope things work out".

   Has anyone noticed that the folks who claim,, "Eating turkey on Thanksgiving is cruel and unethical", just happen to also be the "Pro-Choice" crowd?

   In an effort to repay her $20 million campaign debt, Kamala Harris has scheduled a fight with Jake Paul.

   It's tax time. Every time we drive up to our new tax guy's office, he says the same thing. "You two weren't tailed, were you?"

   Will never understand people who look both ways before entering the traffic circle?

   Dump means it, or doesn't mean it, or didn't mean it but now means it, or he meant it but now doesn't mean he meant it, or he didn't mean he meant it but now doesn't mean he means it, or he does, or he doesn't, or maybe he's a stupid f*cking lying cvnt

   Q. What do men want in a woman? A. XX chromosomes.