Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "When you ran out the healthy arms, you ran out of really healthy they had great arms but they ran out. It’s called sports. It’s called baseball in particular and pitchers I guess you could say, really particular." Putins B*tch Apr 07, 2025

   I got some Dr. Scholl's shoe cushions. I don't think a Doctorate Degree is needed to come up with shoe cushions. I would have bought them from a Mr. Scholl.

   I identify as a donkey. My pronouns are Hee/Haw.

   There is no such thing as men's clogs.

   I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

   I put two quarters in my ears this morning and thought I was listening to 50 Cent.

   Today is Liberation Day! Also known as the largest tax and inflation hike for working class families in history.

   Dow extends longest win streak of 2025 as S&P 500, Nasdaq climb

   You know you're too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree, and then realize it was just your air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror

   Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

   Of course, I could kill you with kindness. But honestly, crushing your ego with sarcasm is just more my style.

   they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

   This is how your government has been corrupted: 1) Donors give huge sums to elect politicians to office. 2) Elected officials rewrite the rules in the donors' favor. 3) Donors make a huge profit. 4) Repeat. Great job suckers lol

   I ask you , who Hasn't drank a bottle of fireball then went down the park slide naked at least once your honor ?

   What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

   I hate it when TV shows say "Adult Content" but then don't show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up after the kids...

   My belly is like jelly. I cut one and it's smelly.

   I’ve been on Facebook forever! I remember when we had to plow our fields in FarmVille by hand—virtually, of course!

   My ex told me: You'll never find anyone like me. I said: That's the goal.

   I’m getting stronger with age. I can now lift $75.00 worth of groceries with one hand.