Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   20 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Jonny Cash – Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

   Here's how I define marriage: Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

   Kids these days will never know the pain not being able to see a movie because they are all rented out.

   Yeah, yeah. You buy brown eggs. Show-off.

   My name is, P01135809

   A phone booth was perhaps not the best option for Clark Kent to change into Superman. He always emerged with his underwear on the outside of his outfit.

   I once took a Viagra and it lasted longer than 4 hours. I asked my date if I should call the doctor. She screamed, "DON'T YOU DARE!!!"

   Bono and Edge walk into a bar and the Bartender says " Oh No Not U2 Again ! "

   My coffee is so black, it's running for President

   Home Depot is almost out of orange safety vests.

   It takes skill to trip over cordless phones!

   The way I just scratched my back on the corner of the wall, leads me to believe I would have been an above average stripper.

   I remember when you all were funny.

   If a 16-year old wants to adopt a child, she's not allowed by the government. She doesn't have the emotional maturity or the financial means to raise a child. But if she gets pregnant.....how does that make sense?

   My friend just asked me if I'd seen his dog bowl......I was amazed and asked "What's his Average"

   If a Plant is sad, do other plants Photosympathize with it?

   The Day-After-Easter Candy Sale at Walmart is currently looking like a fight-to-the-death battle Royal between the all day Pajama People vs the Sweat Pants crowd.

   I make seven figures but the first two are zero.

   Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Sunday morning.

   The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.