Funny Status Messages
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It takes a very special idiot to drive the worlds largest economy off a cliff in 7 weeks 
I had to fire my fruit delivery driver. I felt bad for letting the mango but he was driving me bananas.
Why don't people who drive under the speed limit get ticketed like people who drive over the limit? It says "limit"
The Sopranos would've been better without Carmela, Carmela's parents, Meadow, Meadow's friends and Jean Cusamano.
Just got another text from my ex-wife saying "wish you were here" she does this every time she walks pass a cemetery
Right and wrong are not for sure The castle made of sand will fall One thing is certain Heart and heart
I was watching a TV Show about the Top Ten ways to avoid a shark attacking. I'm surprised "stay out of the water" wasn't one of them.
Why do they keep interrupting the commercials with a football game
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that..
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout.... I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
Will this raise the price on a Chinese massage parlor
If Pope Francis reappears in 3 days, I don't know what to tell you.
I really hope my life doesn't flash before my eyes when I pass away. There are some things I'd rather not see again.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT -My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Yeah, yeah. You're not supposed to wear white after Labor Day, but they're my arms and legs and I can't leave them at home.
It ain't the dems. It's dem niqqers.
Okay, we got the message. The guy from 'Friends' died.
If universal background checks and red flag laws create an insurmountable barrier to you owning a firearm, then you are the person we are worried about 