Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Quit looking for a reason to hate me, I’m cool as f.

   Her: how could you sleep with her!? Him: uh, she’s hot? Her: You didn’t think about me in any of this? Him: I thought about you the whole time so I wouldn’t nut early.

   Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

   How can you face your problem, if your problem is your face?

   Summer, Spring, Winter and Welp

   Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

   Are you suffering from a lack of vitamin me?

   Hey gurl, speaking of lickity split, whatcha doin later...

   Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

   Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

   Inadvertently just signed off a work email, “should you have any questions, please don’t. Hesitate to ask.” I’m sticking with it.

   “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.” ~ Henry Ford

   When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

   Kids today are soft, I died once when I was five and my mom made me walk it off.

   The Left released Trump’s tax returns, and nobody cares.

   If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

   A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

   Don’t forget to feed your girlfriend every couple of hours or it gets cranky.

   If you watch my life backwards, I’m a weight watchers success story.

   You don’t need drugs to get high when you’ve got a 42-foot articulated bucket truck.