Funny Status Messages

   I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live...

   Why is it that when a bird flies into a window, everyone feels bad for the bird, but when I walk into a sliding glass door, it's suddenly f*cking hilarious?

   A guy hears his wife's voice from the kitchen, "What would you like for dinner my love? chicken, beef or lamb?" He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken." she yells back, "You're having soup you jerk! I was talking to the cat!"

   Facebook account for sale, Friends included

   I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager

   I bet the passengers on the missing Malaysian airplane are racking up some serious reward miles, given all of the different directions they've been flying.

   Why do all you women brag about multi-tasking. You need to chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once

   Not to brag, but I can still fit into my highschool girlfriend.

   Dr. Huxtable was an OB/GYN with an office in his home basement. I mean, come on...

   I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says "Haha good one!" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap

   In Dec, cops should take off the blue lights and make them green. It's more festive... Like getting pulled over by Santa.

   If you're going to have a posse, make sure they're clean shaven. Nobody likes a hairy posse.

   I don't argue with people who I can remove from my life by pressing a button.

   Wasn't able to sell our kitchen table on Craigslist, but we did get invited to 3 orgies and a donkey show

   To all the waiters out there: we don't get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.

   Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

   To the untrained eye, I'm quite handsome.

   The older I get, the more I think I owe my parents an apology...

   Well I had close call lastnight! This girl I picked up at the bar, drove me back to her place. She looked like a lady, walked like a lady, even talked like a lady! But when she whipped into that parking spot perfectly.....I was like hold on somethings up!

   How do homeless people always seem to get the shopping cart that has all four good wheels?