Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook reminds me daily how moving out of my hometown was a great idea

   so.... I'm writing a book about my sexual exploits....Okay....a booklet....FINE....a sticky note then....Whatever....

   video game logic: Everyone worse than me is a noob. Everyone better than me has no life

   If you're going to stalk me at least notice when I'm running low on toilet paper & change the roll.

   I remember as a teenager I used to kill myself getting to a ringing telephone... Now I don't even have the ringer on.

   They should just install an elevator on Mt. Everest and be done with it.

   I can already hear Monday morning whispering Go F***Yourself in my ear.

   When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.

   Fact: You can burn up to 10 calories a minutes while having sex... Related: Looking for a workout partner.

   Sometimes I wish animals could talk....then I remember all the things my cats have seen me do when I'm alone and I'm very grateful they can't.

   The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.

   When you open your heart to someone, there is blood...... LOTS and LOTS of blood... And then you die. So don't open your heart.

   Sleeping in could easily be my superpower. If not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee.

   My Life: Wake up, Survive, Sleep.

   I thought we were gonna buy Mexico, Then fix it up & flip it... What ever happened with that?

   OMG!!! Direct TV is no longer showing Viacom channels... How am I going to watch 16 and Pregnant now? Oh.. wait.. Walmart. NEVERMIND!

   Don't worry, Pope Benedict XVI, I get it. Mondays make me want to quit my job too.

   I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. she chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me she will never trust another human being again.

   Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.

   WebMD needs to add the question “Have you eaten Taco Bell today?” when asking about stomach-related symptoms.