Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A smile is a facelift that’s in everyone’s price range.

   To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

   Dear, what-ever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now, thanks.

   We never had a baby formula shortage until men started getting pregnant.

   Listening to Johnny Depp talk is like watching a turtle wade though quicksand.

   A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

   Welcome to social media… A person who does not understand humor will contact you shortly.

   Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

   I’m an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.

   What a strange illusion it is to suppose that beauty is goodness.

   The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

   A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

   As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

   #whoremembers ~ If you read that as whore members, we’re probably friends.

   Monkeypox & the 11 people who still believe the media.

   From now on, we’ll be referring to Corona Virus as Kung-Flu or Sweet and Sour Sicken.

   Go ahead and get that tattoo, your family is already disappointed.

   How do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor.

   If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

   Audit finds half of Joe Biden’s Twitter followers are fake.