Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.

   Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don't let the balloon touch the floor"

   Your/You're, Then/Than, To/Two/Too, Who's/Whose, There/Their.... Please learn the difference kids.You're our future.

   The 4 Stages of Going Out Drinking: 1. Why do I do this to myself 2. This isn't so bad 3. WE SHOULD DO THIS MORE OFTEN 4. Why do I do this to myself

   Can they make band aids that are easier and faster to unpack so I don't bleed to death?

   I was hoping Apple would replace Siri with Morgan Freeman on the iPhone 5

   If you can't use your turn signals, you should not be trusted with the rest of the car either.

   I swear the question "what do you want to eat?" Leads to more fights then any other phrase..

   If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

   Love doesn’t walk away, people do.

   If you don’t tell your girlfriend she’s beautiful everyday, 614 guys on Facebook who haven’t had sex or even been on a date in 9 years will.

   I'm proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don't want to hang out with you now... but I'm still very proud...

   If someone won't lift a finger to call you, see you or spend time with you then it's time for you to lift five fingers and wave goodbye

   When I wake up before my alarm clock...I sometimes sneak up on it while it's still sleeping and yell "HOW DOES IT FEEL B*TCH"

   Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree.

   if your FB name includes your college degree initials, you are a douche...

   Masturbation is great. It wakes you up, puts you to sleep, relieves stress, and the only person who judges if you're good at it is yourself

   My boss asked me today which one of us was the stupid one. I told him everyone knows that you dont hire stupid people.

   Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"

   Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.