Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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If Batman and Catwoman had a kid, it would become either a Batcat, or the less popular Manwoman. 
Freedom is never free...Happy Veterans Day!!!!
I accidentally hit a deer! Okay it wasn't a deer, it was a Smart car with fake antlers on it... and it wasn't an accident.
My arm fell asleep again. Time to draw a mustache on it.
If you're upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you're going to sh!t yourself when you see everything else going on in the world.
It's getting harder and harder to tell the zombies from the regular people.
It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
It's impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Listen, I'm sorry... That reaction was WAY over the line.... I actually have no problem with the horse you rode in on....
Eating a popsicle in front of the guy you're banging and eating a popsicle in front of your dad requires two totally different techniques.
may the bridges I burn light my way...
Why is a strike in bowling a good thing, but a strike in baseball is bad? I guess sports really do mirror real life...how you play the game all depends on the size of your balls.
I drove by a yard sale today. I know this because they had a child standing out front holding a sign that read "Yard Sale". Apparently they couldn't afford a stick.
Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commericals that says "Not available in all states"?
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
I wish these people would stop sending me job offers for 5k a month to sit at my computer at home and work... after I get that check from the nigerian lottery i'm not going to need a job! suckers ;)
Gas diet: Get your paycheck... fill up your car and you have no money to buy food! Bam...you lose weight!
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you're talking to yourself..!!
I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I Miss New York", so I smashed their window and stole their radio.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button. 