Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them

   The Chileans take hide and seek way too seriously

   his dreams shattered.. Megan Fox got married, there goes my 0.000000000001% chance

   After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.

   Why do girls run from the ones that make them happy, and fight for the ones that make them cry?

   Ladies that tattoo of the sun rising out of your butt-crack looks great now however when you're 60 it's an octopus chasing a starfish.

   I'm thinking about making my own brand of beer and call it, "Responsibly." That way I would get free advertising from all my competitors. "Please drink Responsibly."

   im single now.... and its weird to be dating again, because for the last three years... i've just been cheating.

   I'm shocked at the amount of condoms old ladies buy the moment they leave their shopping carts unattended.

   Ahhhhh.coffee...I think coffee must contain an ingredient that makes you tolerate BS. That's probably why employers usually give it away for free all day :)

   I'm no genius, but I am smart enough to know that there is no ''x'' in the words ''especially'', ''espresso'', or ''ask''.

   With all these birds falling out the sky, I won't be eating Chinese anytime soon....

   I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and I. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a b!tch.

   The world would be a better place if people would just take my citizen arrests a little more seriously

   In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.

   I hate to call it "one night stands." I prefer "auditions."

   "Undecided Voters" are the same people who also slow down the line at McDonald's.

   Next time you're on the phone and a customer service rep asks "Is there anything else I can do for you?" whisper "Smile for the camera, I'm watching you" & hang up

   Go down a waterslide when it isn't wet and then you'll understand the importance of foreplay.

   Self checkout was invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.