Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   finally understood reality is an illusion. It is created by the lack of alcohol...

   if you put pictures of lost kids on Beer Cans instead of Milk Cartons we'd find them in about 15 minutes

   Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the a$$hole for tripping him??

   If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple 'Thank you.' is all I need! Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business!

   I'm perfecting a new perfume called "Forever Alone".... It smells like Lean Cuisines and cats.

   Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct

   Bald people shouldn't wear polo neck jumpers. They just end up looking like a roll-on deodorant

   Decided to put up a Christmas tree this year....wrestled with it a bit..finally got in in place... it smells like Christmas now.. and it looks so cool, hanging from my car's rearview mirror :)

   Please give your Mother's an Extra Big Hug tomorrow for those who can no longer hug theirs here on earth... Cherish the Moment.

   asks: Is it wrong to want to be the designated driver just so you can drop obnoxious drunk a$$holes off at random houses that aren't theirs?

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'm kicking your ass!

   Just read an article about the stock market, and there were three things in it that I didn't quite understand: Every, single, word.

   Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible

   I was going to go to the gym and run 7 miles this morning to continue trying to look good but then I remembered I own Photoshop.

   So where are all the "Save the Gulf" concerts? Where are the T.V. Benefits with celebrities and musicians giving heart felt speeches on the poor fisherman, wildlife, beaches, loss of income and sabotaged gulf economy?

   When we were little, why were we so scared of our parents counting to three?

   Oldest woman, 114, dies. Her last words: "Who the f#*k is Justin Beiber?"

   People are more opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass old ladies and supermodels than argue with motorcycle gangs.

   CRAP.... look who's online..LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT....."Hey whats up?..s***!!

   I think Dora the explorer is on drugs! She never seems to know where to go next and spends all day talking to a map, a backpack and a monkey.