Funny Status Messages

   when a cop pulls you over and he tells you to get off the phone..DO NOT SAY: I gotta go honey, your husband is being a jerk. Seriously don't. ;)

   If I blocked you on Facebook, what makes you think I want to talk to you in real life?

   When I'm bored, nobody texts me, but when I'm busy, my phone blows up.

   Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight!! Woop* Happy Friday the 13th!!

   Three things I cannot do: (1) pass up a piece of cake, (2) say "rural" and (3) open a can of biscuits without yelling when it pops.

   I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.

   The only time I've ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.

   Whenever I see small children on leashes, I'm always tempted to run up, scratch their bellies, and ask “How old in human years?”

   For a lion to be a cannibal, he must first, swallow his pride.

   If I'm guilty of anything it's loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.

   Every neck tattoo should just say, 'I owe back child support.'

   I was on the exercise bike for almost 30 minutes just now. It was pretty easy. Tomorrow I may even try using the pedals.

   Parents stop excusing your children's bad behavior! If you don't hold them accountable for their words and actions you're creating a$$holes of tomorrow.

   running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

   I'm going to walmart in a few minutes....does this belt look OK with these sweat pants?

   :Weird how an attractive face is the criteria by which one decides whether to lick the area that someone pees from.

   LIKE if you remember what it was like to take a ton of pictures only to wait a week to find out they were useless.

   Nicki Minaj looks like the type of person who would just squat & take a sh!t in the middle of a busy street, not wipe, & keep on walking.

   I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.

   I hope to get to the point in my life where I'm not excited about finding change on the ground.