Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.

   I hope to get to the point in my life where I'm not excited about finding change on the ground.

   We are so fortunate not to live in China,,, they have to hide their posts in cookies.

   Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.

   Everything I know about U.S. history and geography I learned by reading the sides of U-Haul moving trucks.

   A MILF is a sexy ass mum over 35. If you're 18, you're just an idiot with a baby.

   Airplanes have now banned tweezers. I think anyone who can hijack a plane with tweezers deserves the plane.

   My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer

   Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.

   Be advised Ladies: Once I show you my Knight Rider lunchbox from 1985, foreplay has officially begun.

   We're all in the same game, just different levels. Dealing with the same hell, just different devils.

   This really ugly girl asked me earlier... if I thought she was attractive. I didnt want to be mean and I also didnt want to lie. So I thought for a second and told her I thought she was "Wal-Mart Sexy".

   Teenagers. They have been annoying me all summer long. Now they're back in school. So today on my lunch hour I drove circles around the high school laughing through a loud speaker.

   Have you ever had a conversation with someone and thought about how much better it would be if they had a personality...

   when a cop pulls you over and he tells you to get off the phone..DO NOT SAY: I gotta go honey, your husband is being a jerk. Seriously don't. ;)

   If I blocked you on Facebook, what makes you think I want to talk to you in real life?

   When I'm bored, nobody texts me, but when I'm busy, my phone blows up.

   Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight!! Woop* Happy Friday the 13th!!

   Three things I cannot do: (1) pass up a piece of cake, (2) say "rural" and (3) open a can of biscuits without yelling when it pops.

   I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.